this nihilist speaks to god

Rumbling

2006-10-13T00:03:22Z

Mah. Times call for stupid rambling about nothing. It has got something to do with caffeine and the longing for social contact. I have a group of friends here though but I guess it's just that I'm going to a show tonight with a guy I went on a date with (yes, I even go dating) but whom I am not interested in and he knows it so it's nothing to worry about, I think, at least I'm not gonna worry. That's what I'm thinking now anyway, but who knows what will be going through my mind while sitting at the same table as him? I'll probably get all paranoid because that's what todays been like, at least to some degree, because today I had two midterm exams in Sociology and they both went fine but I've just not been together and sort of not in control. Dinah says I'm out of control but that's not it, they are different things.

Anywho, I'm going to a show tonight (Gilbert Gottfried is doing stand-up) with a guy who was a date and whom I'm not into, and it makes me wish I was into someone. However, recent discovery that I tend to be sort of different characters from day to day kinda rules out relationships. Should go for sporadic contacts with strangers, I guess, but then I have to become more comfortable with hanging with strangers.

Class.

Squeek

2006-10-09T21:24:02Z

Wtf? Someone is playing a bagpipe.

Sentimentality

2006-08-09T21:02:18Z

Wanted: lover to associate with Pet Shop Boys' 'Always On My Mind'. Victor will never be mine; it seems none of us want that. It's a beautiful memory (end of Stockholm Pride 2005, he was the DJ, I danced) but as it's so unrewarding to think about it I should replace it with other connotations, because I truly love that song.

I'm leaving in two weeks. Most of my friends I won't see for a year. I'm getting sappy.

Art

2006-07-26T21:04:41Z

Maybe I shouldn't give up on art. I mean, I am to study Art History in the fall so obviously I haven't, but I sort of lost interest a while ago. But after having heard interviews with provocative politicians and artists I am beginning to feel that I might be willing to voice the opposition, or more precisely to do it in a way that gets attention, namely art. Writing is more likely to go by unnoticed and, perhaps, a more cowardly way to express oneself in.

Gay at Work

2006-07-26T13:37:31Z

Need boyfriend to talk about at work as new co-worker is homophobic and just dumb in general. If you are interested, please leave number and photo in comment.

Remember?

2006-07-21T10:29:03Z

Dad seems to have lost all faith in my memory. "And why do you think that is?" he replied when I suggested it. Must become Guy Pearce in Memento. With notes all over the place and killer bod.

Arvika

2006-07-18T15:37:42Z

This is my boyfriend – that is, he will be once he realizes he isn't straight. *sigh*

These people are insane, but then they use drugs and come from the Swedish island Gotland, habitat to a large amount of inbreds. I like them.

This is pretty good industrial music that I discovered at the festival: The Young Gods (although they're in their 50's).

This is me taking care of my sister in the medical tent.

These are two nerds, Goto80 and JoSystem, playing noisy bitpop in a very small tent. At times there were projections of Asian kids practicing aerobic dance (or something like it) in the background. It was all very cool.

The following pictures suck.

OMG we were so close to the stage when The Knife were about to perform, but drunken idiots and people in general made the situation unbearable by pressing towards the stage and almost forcing the audience to fall over. I hate people and philanthropists. This picture was taken when we were making our way out and The Knife suddenly appeared. I saw the rest from afar.

This is Juno Reactor, playing... ethno-trance? The were dressed in, I don't know, Aztec or Mayan outfits and played pretty good trance music with a lot of drums. Presentation is everything.

A note on normativity

2006-07-15T10:46:37Z

It's the third and last day of Arvikafestivalen, one of Sweden's larger music festivals, and I have been working here since monday. I really am quite tired.

Since I've been the leader of a group of six persons, excluding me, and also have had to speak to superiors and other important people every day to get things done, I have come to suspect the following: forgoing the personality I am most comfortable with may be necessary to gain the respect sometimes needed. It means a certain degree of adaptation as your average person being respected is a guy radiating determination and self-confidence. Me, I am not a typical guy and I rarely know exactly what I am supposed to do. I'm working on the self-confidence. And I might have to work even harder, because even though I know that one is supposed to be able to be who he or she wants to be, there is theory and practice. The pragmatic answer here is to adapt to some level to obtain points in an important section of life.

I do not wish to promote lying to reach your target de facto, and I am also aware that some people may argue that this sort of behavior is hurtful to minorities trying to win the status of normative people, but my spontaneous reply would be that I rather think it hurtful to individuals. The language of the normative is the language of power, and speaking it is not to lie. Normativity (when designed by alien forces) was likely not crafted with the intention to oppress, but is rather the product of the actions of the strong. In my eyes, men are above women because they are by nature stronger and this order can only change either through women acting like men or through legislation. Normativity is Land of the Forceful.

The weak will never be truly respected; they may enjoy the same rights as anyone else because the law says they should and there may be respect for them in an ethical sense – because people make the conscious decision to respect them as fellow humans – but they cannot gain actual respect through operating below the mass.

I believe, I think, that between people (i.e. disregarding laws and forced moral) there will always be a prevailing way of ruling and that all who wish to be rulers in any way need act that way. If not at all times, then when required.

In other news: my skin is no longer smooth and beautiful, and in dire need of the Dermalogica I (willingly) left at home. Must get home stat.

Relaxed and promiscuous

2006-07-09T20:06:07Z

I'll be getting a new blog, I should assume, when moving to Canada, what with all other changes I'm taking on simultaneously: change of home, country, name, occupation – not to mention the things I dream of changing about myself. Freaky, ain't it? But then, I've had wine and a drink.

Hopefully, more people will be reading that blog.

What? Me worried?

2006-06-27T20:12:42Z

WHOA! Am I repressing things? Inability to hold back tears at dinner table during minor conflict suggests something like it as I thought I was fairly healthy. Should perhaps see shrink for it. Offered parents smokes for first time ever, on balcony, for soothing purposes.

A bench in the park

2006-06-26T11:24:00Z

Concerning residence for the fall.

ME: I wonder how I'll live.
DAD: Me to, how will I live?

Haha. Only mom and sis have found a place to stay.

Tread on me?

2006-06-25T21:31:07Z

It's a strange thing, with different kinds of friends. What kind of people I have around me varies incredibly from one situation to another. I speak to them in such extremely different ways. Some of them do not at all understand who I am and I can't really get myself to try to tell them because it seems our differences are too big for me to bother. When I realize our disparities I feel above these people, even though I like them. Others I feel inferior to, simply out of my respect for them, and I am afraid that even if they know who I am or were to find out, it wouldn't matter to them and I would still be below them.

But I don't believe in being inferior.

skylinesander @ 2006-06-24T14:40:00

2006-06-24T12:47:25Z

Haha. From this fall and on I will be poor. Studying is expensive (especially where I'm gonna study), and none of my future careers are prone to produce any larger income. I might get lucky though and become published. Should I turn into the kind of writer who makes a lot of intelligent and provocative noise it isn't impossible that I get the attention and money that I deserve.

And of course, with 'poor' I don't mean living on the street. My life will likely be more than decent. I will enjoy it.

Future

2006-06-23T20:58:16Z

I think maybe I want to be a journalist. My plan was to be a teacher in philosophy and simultaneously an unemployed actor and almost-unheard-of playwright, but I'm considering putting more effort into the writing. "Published philosophist, acclaimed playwright and gonzo journalist." This does not necessarily rule out other plans. The teaching is still the life-line (in the sense that I put left-over strings together and went climbing) and acting my passion (what?). But there are things more important to engage in than the latter (like the search for truth), not to mention EASIER to engage in.

Uhm, well... I guess I just meant to write a prelude for my future.

Oh, and I also want to open a club for the sophisticated and reach Nirvana.

skylinesander @ 2006-06-15T12:06:00

2006-06-15T10:06:59Z

Swedish newspaper Svenska Dagbladet today tells of Missy Elliott's life becoming a movie and also notes that "one of the movie's producers is not the completely unknown actor Robert De Niro."
"En av filmens producenter är inte den helt okände skådespelaren Robert De Niro."
Then who is the producer? And who is this mysterious De Niro?

Whaaaa

2006-06-14T20:36:58Z

Are humans more worth than animals because they are more intelligent? Then would you eat an incredibly stupid person? If no: why not? I want to know your answers! Comments are screened. If you want to, e-mail me at gatugast@gmail.com. Tell all your friends about it! Though I know you won't. Bastards.

Ink

2006-06-14T17:44:15Z

Loss of pen on seminary larger blow than you might guess. Must buy new of same sort asap as I for my most frequently used pad have used only that pen so far and different kind of pen would ruin the aestethic. Will be left to slightly thicker pen tonight.

What we do

2006-06-12T08:29:49Z

I should buy this one.

It's gonna be a tough race; eventually I'm gonna have to choose between Nietzsche and Buddhism. Or sumtin else. It's a funny thing because the philosophies are kinda contradictory. If I don't choose "A" I choose "not A". Or sumtin else. Anyway, I should start with studying them for real.

Things are fine, actually. Milk in coffee better than I remembered and day-dreams of airports go nicely with it. Becoming who I want is going better, I think. I just have to believe it!

Life is a hard thing though. Good thing the sun is shining.

THE MOST EXPENSIVE MAP I EVER BOUGHT

2006-06-09T16:38:51Z

Today I spent more money on beauty prods than ever before. Which doesn't really say much, but still: 810sek! That's 111usd! OMG! At c/o Stockholm a face mapping was first performed on me, with an expert from Dermalogica pointing out obvious things about my skin and then telling me what to buy. The most fun thing was the box with uv light into which I put my head, and in a mirror I could see things underneath my skin. Then I bought the things I had been told to buy because I 1) can't help myself from spending money on certain things and 2) can't help myself from spending money when salespersons are pressuring me 3) got free sunglasses with the purchase of two products.

I now have these products from Dermalogica:
Special Cleansing Gel
Oil Control
Active Moist
Skin Prep Scrub
Medicated Clearing Gel
Gentle Cream Exfoliant
Professional Shave
Sunglasses

And why in the world should you care?

In session

2006-06-07T08:44:35Z

- So. What are you afraid of?
- Being stupid.
- Okay. Well look, I can assure you that you're not; you're highly intelligent.
- So? I mean first of all, I don't know for sure that you're not shitting me so that I don't go kill myself, obviously. But even if I agree to being intelligent my worry is this: what if I wasn't?
- Why would you care?
- Because to me it's a problem that if I had been born with lesser wits I would have had a reason to commit suicide. I would have suffered from stupidity. And this notion sort of leads me to feel that people notably dumb should kill themselves.
- I can't believe this bothers you. These are your problems; they haunt you because you see things in your way. Do you understand? They do not apply to everyone else because people are different.
- Well maybe they should? Let's assume I'm SUPER-intelligent; do I then not know best? Do I not know how people should act and how the world should look?
- But you're not super-intelligent. You should be careful not to become hubristic.
- Says you, but wouldn't the greatest being in the universe stand above the arbitrary morals of man's earth?
- Bo...
- Is it unlikely? I know it is. And what kind of person would imagine himself better than everyone else when he isn't? An ignorant. God, I'm so stupid.
- You're not stupid. You... I've told you.
- Yes. We've been over this.

skylinesander @ 2006-06-05T17:38:00

2006-06-05T15:51:12Z

As a suicidal I think it's easy to forget that life is not a problem if you rid it of the things that kill. SURE, life is worthless; without meaning, no doubt. People who don't care much about this are people who have too much fun to be depressed. Others will consider the fact a reason to kill oneself. HOWEVER, if there was a way to live life bother-free, I mean in the way that problems still occur but they don't bother you, would there then be much difference between being dead or alive? I shall develop the program, and I shall call it... Buddhism.

crap

2006-04-22T13:24:47Z

it's a funny thing because i enjoy reading other's journals (most people's anyway), especially when they make a point out of writing about things that aren't really interesting instead of reducing the writing into the least that there is to say about it. know what i mean? yet i can't, for most of the time, bring myself to do it. i have crap to write about but what i think is that it will mean, well, crap to people who read it.

right now i can't even see the point in having written this. maybe.

a little less conversation

2006-03-01T20:57:31Z

I would make a really hot teacher, the kind students fall in love with (with both wit and looks), only I can't decide whether to teach a theoretical subject or theater.

Should I learn to dance, I mean like for the stage? I should probably have done it years ago coz it might be too late now but then I know there was (is?) a famous dancer who began when she was about thirty. I think. And anyway I didn't want to back then like I do now (but I don't mean I REALLY want to like I'm dying to) altho I remember saying my goal in life would be to star in CATS but I gave that up pretty soon.

Have decided to think less and do more. My thinking is intruding on life. Must not forget to remain clever however.

skylinesander @ 2006-02-24T01:23:00

2006-02-24T00:35:39Z

Is the answer to why people with sunglasses are hot obvious?
I'm tipsy and thus tired. Maybe I should be more often (tipsy) because I had a real good time tonight. The one doesn't necessarily guarantee the other but... I wish it would. Muh.

I have nothing to say which makes this post a mystery. Is there a simple life for me? One that I can enjoy? Why do you bother reading this? Should I have made it a private one? I didn't want to.

I'm the lonesome kind. Should I be? I think not. Do I want to be? NO. Nights out = solution?

Good night.

complete!

2006-02-21T08:36:45Z

look what i did! the website of the boat! it may not look impressive but it took some time to do it. i'm no REAL geek yet, but close. things that make sites more impressive are mostly ornaments but i had to take my time to make the thing work for firefox (that's easy), netscape (like firefox these days), opera (pretty easy too) and INTERNET EXPLORER (not so easy...). i have learned css pretty good and the basics of javascript and the website is proudly written in strict xhtml 1.0 and validated css. yay!